Truth in the Valley

I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been going through a "valley" lately. And, quite honestly, I feel ashamed of that.

Listen, I’m no Job. I have a family that all love me and we all get along marvelously (for the most part). I have a dog that is always happy to see me shuffling up the front walk. I live with four adorable children (and another two in Virginia) that I love to Pluto and back. I just got back from my second trip abroad, just for fun. I have a church family that pushes me to know Christ on a deeper level. I have a stable job with benefits. I have a car that is paid off. Goodness, I even have a nice camera and a Mac.

And, yet, I sit in my little room and feel alone, needy, unsettled, unwanted, and useless. And when it feels like my life goes dark, all of those insecurities, my wants, and failed dreams hit me repeatedly in the face like a prized fighter. Oh boy, telling yourself the Truth and preaching the Gospel to yourself while buried under 26 years of failings and misgivings just isn’t going to happen. I see that light at the top of the pit getting smaller and smaller. I desperately try to discern the reason for getting stuck in the muck at the bottom. There is always that one reason that seems to be that pea under 10 mattresses that keeps me up at night….

Single and still living with family.

Nope. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a living room full of cutesy vintage trunks and books. I don’t have a couch for friends to sit on and watch a movie together. I don’t have a stove to explore new recipes on. I don’t have a kitchen table to decorate for a romantic dinner for my husband. I don’t have a guy that will open my car door. I don’t have any fat babies with bright eyes watching my every move. I have one room that is too full of Knick-knacks and no room to expand. I have a small armchair shoved in a corner. I have a mini fridge filled with bottled sodas for the kids. I haven’t put the comforter on my bed since I last washed it. I haven’t mopped my bathroom since last month. I sometimes forget to feed my dog. I get easily offended with family members. I get angry at the kids for being too loud. I quickly jump to conclusions and judge people wrongly. So desperate for it to not be about me, that it becomes about me.

It’s easy for me to think that if those “problems” of hearth and home would be solved, I would be complete. I wouldn’t feel useless, alone, unwanted, unsuccessful. I would want to be all the responsible I’m not now.

The person living in the basement will be the same person living in their own two story house with picket fence. The married you will be the same un-married you. The no-guy-relationship you will still have issues with personal relationships. The mother you will be just as messed up as the non-mother you.

And maybe that’s what frightens me the most:
That I will still be me. Flawed. Needy. Selfish. Untidy. Control-freak. Offended. Hurt.
The mud starts to cover my head and I stop fighting...

Could it be the problem isn’t where I am or where I’m not? Not who I’m living with or who isn’t in my life?
I don’t like that answer. It means effort. Introspection. Surrender. Change. And no “quick, put a Band-Aid on it” fix. I so much wish the answer would be that everything would fall into place if I only had my own home. If I only had that someone. If only....

Sometimes, you just don’t have the answers or the reasons. And that makes a fixer, such as myself, more frustrated than squirrel chasing a nut on a treadmill. It also means you have to be open and vulnerable with others and let them speak Truth into your life. And all the introverts shudder. At times that truth makes no sense to your pit mucked up heart. Or maybe it makes too much sense and you want to throat punch the “truth sayer.” When you are at the bottom of the pit, the cold mud becomes more comfortable than blisters it will take to climb out. And the junk food of lies often tastes better than the veggies of truth.

I don’t know where I’m going with all of this. I’m pretty much preaching to the choir. And like any normal choir member, I’m not paying attention… There’s a line in the song by Jason Gray, “Remind me who I am” that keeps resonating in my soul. “When I can't receive Your love, Afraid I'll never be enough, Remind me who I am."
This where I am. And maybe this is my own way of self-medicating myself with Truth. Take it or leave it.

Looking for Truth,

Ti-Ti

Of Resolutions and Changes

I’m not usually big on the whole new year’s resolutions band wagon. I mean, I guess I feel like it’s kinda cliché and most fall of that wagon on the 10^th of January anyways. This year though, I feel like I have more goals, more “new year’s resolutions” if you will, than I have ever had in years past.

I’m not gonna lie. About 80% of those goals I haven’t even started. Maybe I’m being way too optimistic about how much I can “change” or “do better.”  Which of course, gets me thinking about that wording. I think that’s why I’ve been so much against those resolutions in the past. It feels like stomping my foot and saying, “I will change me! I am woman, hear me roar! See? I’m so cool!”

But here’s the other flip side of that coin. (And perhaps the whole purpose of my writing this blog post.) I feel like I’ve become pretty complacent (read: LAZY). I think I’ve gotten a bit of the “well I can’t change me so I won’t try” mentality.  

Now I’m not saying that I change ME. What I’m saying is, I’m not going to sit around doing the same thing I’ve always done (nothing) and expect to suddenly have all these “goals” and “betterments” accomplished.

So here’s my resolution.

GO.
DO.
BE.

Go. No more hiding. No more, “I can’t God.  You have the wrong person….”
Do more. No more putting off. No more sitting around. No more “I was going to, but…”
Be intentional. No more just doing things because that’s what you always do. No more halfhearted, “well, I tried….”

Listen, I’m an introvert. My comfort zone is located in my lovely arm chair in my room with my laptop, eating puppy chow and watching a BBC movie. My comfort zone is being a wallflower and invisible. My comfort zone is never having to talk to a new person in a crowded room. My comfort zone is never going somewhere I don't know and I haven't planned for. And no matter how badly I’ve worded the above resolution, you have to know, that every single one of those words is a great distance from my pink bubble of comfort.  Which means, I can’t do this.

Are you ready for that cliché phrase?

Not on my own.

That’s where I’ve been. And that’s why it hasn’t changed.  I’ve never been a fan of the “God helps those that help themselves.” But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t work, deeds, action, that needs to happen on my end.

So, I’m resolved to do, go, and be….. 

(p.s. Yeah, that's a picture of my Ireland there.... It's it lovely?)

Ready to change,

Ti-Ti

Finally Free

Sometimes, I feel like I have to tell myself "I am a confident, independent woman who can do things on my own, without help" over and over.
But then I wonder and worry, what if I've now run those extremes? What if I've become so confident, I'm now arrogant? Or what if I'm so independent I don't know how to accept help?  Or, if there ever was someone in my life, I won't know how to live a co-dependent life? Or what if I've not listened to myself good enough and now I've become a hermit?

How is one to balance them out? Honestly, I'm not sure, I'm still working it out (and will take any advice you have in the matter). So often I run the far ends of the pendulum. So "confident" I'm a loud, bossy mess (usually when it involves competition of some kind) who has to be around lots of people (not a ton, because I don't do well in really large crowds). So confident that I won't let any one get a word in edge wise and so arrogantly stubborn you can't say one thing without it getting ripped to shreds. Or the other side, going to do my own things without telling anybody because I'm doing them ON. MY. OWN. Or where locking my room door and pulling the covers over my head is much easier than facing people that might ask me questions, even family members.*gasp* You may think these are slightly exaggerated examples, but I've done those exact things so many times, I've lost track. (It does tend to run the hermit track more often than not.)

So where is the balance? How can I learn to be completely me and in the middle?

I keep coming back to the phrase, I am free.

So maybe it's a daily struggle. One that takes years and years of practice. One that is never ending. But one that is made easier because He has set me free.

I don't have to hide behind my "introvert" tendencies or use them as an excuse. I don't have to be ruled by what others feel I should or shouldn't not be confident in.
I'm learning it's okay to be frighten of going somewhere uncomfortable. It's okay to need some quiet time to myself and God to reflect. It's okay if I don't speak up and just listen, even when I feel judged because I don't speak. It's okay that I feel more able to express myself when writing blogs instead of actually speaking them. It's okay to be sure of yourself in certain situations. It's okay to have an opinion. It's okay to need help sometimes. And sometimes, it's okay to be loud. (FYI, if you ever need an announcer in a loud room or someone to do a sound bite of screaming, I've got a good set of lungs. Maybe it's the German in me. HA)

He has made me free to be exactly who He made me. He is completing me just as He designed. And He loves me with all my quirks and pendulum swings. I don't have to be afraid of not being exactly in the middle right now. I'll probably never be in that perfect balanced spot. (And who are we kidding. Balanced is boring, right?) 

So what are your thoughts? What do you do to find that elusive balance? What verses/books/sermons/thoughts have helped?

Learning to live finally free,
Ti-Ti

Greener Grass? or Polar Prospectives?

Purity Rings....

Maybe it was a homeschooler thing. Maybe it was an "Independent Fundamental Baptist" thing. Maybe it was just the hip "Christian" thing to do. When I turned 16, my parents gave me a purity ring. They never told me what finger to put it on. And they may not have even called it a purity ring. Maybe they just called it a promise ring (More like a "promise to God" ring.) Maybe they just gave us rings when we turned 16 cause it was cool and pretty.... (knowing my parents, though, there was a deeper reason than that....)

I honestly have to use both my hands, take off my shoes, and use my neighbors fingers as well to count the number of times I've been asked how long I've been married, if I just got engaged, or any other combination of those two. I answer honestly, but every time I answer it seems to somewhat scare people away..... as though they feel awkward for assuming that or maybe pity for me...

There was a blog floating around recently about a girl who took off her purity ring. She decided that it was making her wait to live her life. She was pursuing a relationship with Christ only so she would get a guy in the end. (not really where I am but a good read, nonetheless, Gracefortheroad- "I Don't Wait Anymore.")
Being as shy as I am, I tend to do things that help me blend in. Often, I've thought of taking my ring off, or maybe try wearing it on a different finger to avoid the conversation.  And sometimes, laugh at me if you will, I've thought that on occasion it has scared several "potentials" away. (Oh, the joys of being a nanny with a ring on. But at least the kids are cute so I take it as a compliment when people think they're mine... "Ma'am, you make beautiful babies." HA!!!) But my reasons for possibly taking it off were nothing similar to what this girl decided.

Last Sunday, we talked about being single and marriage (and a bit of other stuff too). The point that spoke the most to me was the encouragement and discipleship that needs to go both ways- from singles to marrieds, from marrieds to singles. Both of them have their own struggles and insights into life and neither "side" has the "greener grass."
{P.S. free advertisement here- if you want to hear the message -or any of the other messages from my awesome pastor -(yes, he's my brother, no I'm not biased) go here- highplains.org- sermons (this message is "the Gifted- Part 22)}

So here's my thought. Let's understand each other a bit better by getting both sides of this story. Married peoples, what are your thoughts about "purity rings" and singles what do you think about them?

Before you give your insight, let me shed a bit of light on how I view my purity ring. (And honestly, I'm probably not going to take mine off anytime soon, if ever- even if it does produce some awkward times for me. Partly because you'd have to be very convincing toward why I should because I've inherited both my parents stubbornness, partly because it doesn't fit on any other finger, and partly because my finger would look deformed because I've been wearing it so long.) (Whoa, totally felt like Tevye from Fiddler On the Roof there, "on one hand... on the other hand.... on the other hand...") I don't believe this ring is causing me to "wait" to live my life. I've always been a firm believer of living where you are. Like Mike said in the sermon, "wherever you are in life, be all there." (or something similar to that) I don't even really view it as a reminder to avoid "temptation". My view on the purity ring is more broad I guess. Sort of a promise, no that's not the right word, a.... commitment...a.... striving....to put God above my own selfish desires, no matter what those desires are. It's there to remind me that I'm not here for me and me only.

Does that even make sense? Where are you on this? What are your thoughts and insights?

(P.S. it was also mentioned that we need to be open and tell others what "hurts" us in our different "relationship statuses". Here's a good read from a singles side of things convergemagazine-"26, unmarried and childless)

Getting both sides of the story,
Ti-Ti

Troubling Transitions and Trails

I feel it in the wind.... just around the bend. And no- I'm not talking about Pocahontas.

Change

At the end of last year, I did a post about feeling ready for change- like I was on the edge of the cliff waiting for the jump. But now I think I've got locked knees and a fear of ricocheting off the sharp rocks on the way down.

I don't think I knew exactly what I was asking for when I said I wanted change. I think I had a prefect plan for "change" in my head and when it's not going where I though it would.... well, let's just pretend that my plan was to always stay at the top of the cliff and enjoy the view rather than bungee off.

So often I get this picture perfect image in my head of where I am going. I pat myself on the back for how open I am to change and growth. I imagine how "my picture" will be the most amazing thing that God has done in my life. And somehow, I'll easy into this change with the grace only displayed by the characters of a BBC movie. But God never does things quite my way. Because, most of the time, my way isn't right or where He wants me.

I still feel a bit stagnant- but you know- maybe that stagnant feeling is just me digging in my heels.

 

You see, I really feel that God has given me a dream for my future house. I desperately want at least a 2 bedroom house so that I can use that second room as a ministry. I want to open it up to mainly single girls. Single mothers who need a jumping point. Single missionary ladies visiting. Girls that are needed a place between housing for a bit. But mostly, for those single girls that just need to be independent and move out of their parent's house. I'm not encouraging separation of the unhealthy kind at all. And I won't advise them on whether it is healthy or not- that's between them and God. But honestly, it was sooo good for me to get out of my parents house. I love both of my parents to death. I wouldn't trade them ever, even for a really, really, really nice camera. (ha) And I would surely go back to living with them in a moments notice, if that was were God had me. But sometimes, we just need a jumping off point to get on our own. Sometimes, we're just floating in that environment and we have to learn to get out on our own. A halfway house if you will. My jumping point was- and is- Mike and Mindy's basement. It has opened my eyes to what I want my future house to be like.

I don't think that I've put this dream in my head. I really do think that God has given it to me. But perhaps I'm pushing it to happen sooner than it needs too. I'm so impatient to start my dream that I think it is highly unlikely that God will move me to a place that will not meet this dream. And because this is such a "God-given" dream, surely He can't wait for me to be able to do it and will make it happen sooner rather than later, right? (ha)


But what if he doesn't put me there? What if He keeps me here for a very long time? What if he moves me to a place where the "dream" can't/won't/shouldn't start for many, many years? What if He takes away that dream? Will I complain about it? Will I claim money restraints are holding me back? Will I create my own little drama were I am now? Will I become so sensitive to not going where I want that I create rifts and roadblocks of my own? Will I seclude myself in my room eating handfuls of Lucky Charms and an entire box of fruit snacks?

I think that's where I'm in of danger of going now. Becoming so impatient to get where I think I should be at this time in my life that I become discontent. Looking at all my friends and comparing where they are and looking dismally at where I am. Imaging people thinking all kinds of disparaging thoughts about where I am and what I'm doing in and with my life. And it doesn't even have to be with my living situation. I've done this with so many areas of my life where I feel like I haven't got a purpose.

But the thing is- the thing I'm trying to remember when I get so discouraged and down about my life as it is now- is that it doesn't matter. None of these temporary things- that seem like such a big deal to me - really matter. (And to be truthful, sometimes these things are really small. Like really small.)

What really matters is where I am in Christ- my relationship with God. If this "bump" in my plans brings me closer to him and brings Him glory, then I hope I can be like Paul as he followed Christ in saying "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope"  (Yes, Mother. Character is an elephant still. ha) or "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.." Or like Peter " In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." This is the best option for me. (And even though some of the stuff that I may call "trails" wouldn't normally be classified as that, they sure seem like "hardships" to me.)

That doesn't mean I'm surrendered to this. That I will freely go about my life with a charming smile, accepting everything in my life even if it's not what I planned, never worrying about what others think about where I am. Oh no, I'm far too stubborn for that. There will be multitudes of nights with me crying that nothing is the way it should be. There will be gobs of days with me hanging my head in despair. There will be a ton of moments when I'm complaining to God that He's not going the right way. But you see, if I were to just easily accept this, where would the growth be? Where would my relationship with God be if I never needed Him? If I took everything that came easily, I would never need to look up. And, honestly, there have been a lot of dark times for me lately. Times when I seemed to like looking at the mud at the bottom of my pit rather than the sunlight and the hand reaching for me at the top of the pit. But that also means that I've been needing to do a lot of looking up. And sometimes, I've felt a bit blinded by the sunlight because I've been groping around in the dark for so long.

But here's the thing:

No matter where I'm "going" with my life, it doesn't change who I am in Him.

No matter if I feel like I don't matter, it doesn't change how He loves me.

No matter if I'm forever living in basement until I'm 78, it doesn't change how He can use me.

No matter if I never get "my dream", it doesn't change that He died for me.

 

"When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You."- Jason Gray

Looking up,
Ti-Ti

Closing Contemplations

Have you ever gotten the feeling like nothing has changed in the past year? That you seem to be in the exact same place as you were last year? That life is so dull? Sometimes I feel that's where I am.

Naturally my mind goes to think about all that has changed. I have not only a job, but a full time job with super nice bosses. I have short hair. I have a few more purses, shoes, and scarfs..... and that's seriously where my mind goes blank.

Perhaps it's because I had so much going on in my life last year at this time. I had just gotten a handful of a dog, albeit an adorable one. It hit me last Christmas that I was permanently planning on living with Mike and Mindy. Sounds weird but it wasn't ever really officially in my plans to move in with them long term and last Christmas when I was opening presents with them on Christmas I realized that I was here to stay a long while. (As I told Nikki the other day, she will most likely be married and have 4 children of her own before I move out. Ha!) I was unemployed for 3 months, unaware that I was going to be that way for another 6 months. I was just settling into my new church family, directing Christmas plays and semi stepping in as a church secretary of sorts. Everything seemed so unsettled during that time and it felt like everything was changing. I could never plan a week in advance, sometimes not even a day in advance.

I've never been a really good handler of change. I've always been more the homebody that likes to stay at home and watch the world change in the comfort of my jammers knowing that mine will never be like that. I mean, just read earlier posts about how frightened I was of change. Even if it was in a joking way it was totally scary to me. It's kinda humorous to me now.

Maybe it's been the excitement of my world constantly changing last year that has gotten me hungry for change. It seems like I'm constantly looking around the corner for something to change. Like I'm standing on the edge of cliff waiting to jump. After writing my last post about all the single girls and marriage talk that I'm so much more open for change there too, whatever "there" means.  I wonder if I haven't always had this thirst for change in me a bit. Considering my past job history, I've never been at a job for more than a year. Now some of that wasn't my fault, what with college, businesses selling, or downsizing. But there is part of me that doesn't always do well with the whole "do the same thing day after day."  And maybe that's just human nature. But I feel like it's really come to the surface in the past 2 months in me. I don't feel like this was my nature before or maybe I just was super good at ignoring it.


I feel so ready for something to change, it terrifies me.

Maybe this is Gods way of telling me that I've got another huge lesson coming. (Not that I'm not always learning huge lessons from Him, but last year was some pretty big ones that I don't think I'll ever get a complete hold on.) Or maybe it's just me finally getting a small grasp on His last big lesson to me.

I've always loved that verse in Ephesians where Paul is talking about being content, no matter where you were. But, I think I've taken that to mean something other than what it should- applied in my life in a way that wasn't meant to be. I think I've been content in my life so long as it stayed the same as it always has. Never changing. Never growing. Never learning. Never getting out there. And here's where I get terrified. Changing, growing, learning....well it hurts. And it's never quick. And it's never done.

So maybe after all, things *have* changed in the past year. Maybe I've changed, or rather God has changed me. And no matter how terrified I am of this openness I feel toward changing and growing, I know that I won't have to do any of it on my own. That I have the perfect Person that will give me exactly the change I need. And that makes everything so much more bearable and...well....exciting.


Leaning on Him,
Ti-Ti

Concerning Couples

There seems to be a trend going around lately. It's about, as I like to call it, "marriage talk." It has been anything from a sermon or a blog post, to a facebook status update or a book advertisement on a side bar. I'm not saying I've read all of them, but it kinda seems like the ones I did read left me feeling left out in the cold. It's not because they weren't well written with important information in them. It wasn't even that they were just geared toward married people- some spoke directly to singles. But here's the thing- I'm a bit on the weird side (Ha!) and they just weren't were I was.

You all probably know that I am a people pleaser. And there are just times when I act like I think I'm supposed to act in certain groups. For example, I grew up pretty conservative and was homeschooled my whole life. In this circle, it was kinda expected that you avoided long conversations with guys, never wanting to appear to be *gasp* flirting with them. You didn't really talk about crushes- only when you had way too much chocolate fondue at a sleep over. If you did talk about boys all the time, you were "one of those girls." And, in my case with being shy and not showing my emotions, sometimes my sister didn't even know of guys that I liked. And I find, in this circle, I can kinda come off as a "feminists marriage hater" of sorts, closed off at even the thought of a guy coming into my perfectly ordered life.
And then there are people that I went to Bible College with. There's a reason they call it "bridal college". Honestly, if you sit next to a guy in chapel (whether you know him of not), at lunch you will get asked at least 10 times if he's popped the question yet. Now with these people I end up giggling and sneaking obvious glances out of the corner of our eyes at cowboys in restaurants. Often, I got teased for not ever going on a date or seeking out the attention of a guy. It was expected in this environment.

The thing is, I feel like I'm in the middle of the two extremes, even if I don't come off like that. I'm not one of those girls who was constantly preparing for a man to come into my life and now is struggling with were to find that "Jesus-like" guy. I'm not one of those girls who has a spreadsheet of qualities- good and bad- that I review every time I see a guy. I'm not one of those girls that carries around a soap box to speak often of my "disdain for the idiocrasy of men these days." Neither do I feel am I one who needs to be in a relationship with a guy to be validated. And so I wanted to share my thoughts in the matter, because sometimes I have a hard time talking about or acting how I really feel. And so I write.

So often there seems to be women (and sometimes men) who want to push marriage on me. Yes, I agree that God has created the institution of marriage. He has created us for companionship and there is so much to commend a godly marriage. It's a picture of Christ and the church. There have been whole books written based on scriptures about the benefits of marriage so I'll save you the pain of reading them all. And there's even a pretty good sermon on my church website if you really feel the need to delve deeper. But- now, I say this carefully and please take it with a grain of salt- these people are almost forcing expectation on singles. We hear it, we read it, we are bombarded with it. It can easily make us desperate, unfulfilled and even turn to other things to compensate for our "apparent failure to catch a man and get married to fulfill God's purpose in our life."
I met this super sweet, godly lady in Virginia when I went out for Rod's graduation. Within 7 seconds of talking, I knew her passion and ministry was for the role of women firstly to their husband and then their family. In her eyes, everything that I was going through at the time was God preparing me to meet the perfect man eventually (and who knows, maybe it still is). I'm so glad that God has given her a passion for where He has put her. But I don't think she knew how every single sentence she said pricked a little hole in my heart. All I could think about was, "What if that someone doesn't ever come? What if I've missed him? What have I done wrong not to find that guy yet? Have I lost my effectiveness to serve God because I don't have a man by my side?"

But the thing is, I am free to live COMPLETE and fully fulfilled in Christ alone!

I'm not going to go the opposite direction and quote all of the scriptures on being content or the blessings of being single. We know them. We, as singles, have heard them as platitudes over and over again.

But here's what I'm getting at: Married women, stop spiritually intimidating single girls to find a guy, get married and have 4 kids. You should be spending more time exhorting and encouraging them to know God, rather than know what qualities you can or can't settle for in a guy. And perhaps, stop pushing the line that "God will bring that perfect man into your life." (It really does kinda drive me crazy.) Instead, encourage single girls to be open to be used of God. Be open to where He takes you. Be open to the next step. Stop encouraging singles to keep waiting to get married to live their lives. And get single people involved in your personal family. I've heard it said often that singles are uncomfortable with church because "it's all family oriented." This just helps in the case of them falling away from God and the Church family. So reach out to those singles. Make them like one of your family, because honestly, everything in church is supposed to be "family orientated." We all are in the family of God, after all.

Singles, don't just sit back and feel left out in church. Become the coolest aunt to all of the kids in your church. Become the closest sister to the women and the men. Become the best listener for the seniors in your church. And stop waiting for a man to come into your life to serve God with. Don't put your life on hold for a man! Stop waiting and start following God now. Stop writing your columns of qualities that you need and things you can "compromise" on and start learning about your God. Stopping looking at Jesus for examples of the perfect man to look for and start looking at how you should be living like Jesus. But don't be so adamantly against marriage that you resist God's leading when/if He does bring a man into your life. Make sure you are open for the next step and have a direction.

Now, I'm a photographer, and I absolutely love love. It's amazing to photograph and amazing to witness. I'm not trying to come across as a marriage hater. I'm not trying to bash those women who are so happily married they can't help talking about. Nor am I trying to be mean to those woman that are truly just trying to be encouraging when they say that a man will come into my life when I least expect it. Sometimes they are just asking honest questions to get to know you better. And neither am I trying to say that I'm always 100% content where I am as a single. I'm not saying it's easy to be single. Trust me, there have been times when I've seriously considered hiring a boyfriend for a night to come to work events or to give me an excuse not to go to something that I might think is awkward. I'm so much braver when I'm doing something silly with someone else. But I'm also not saying it's easy to be married. There have been times when I see that marriage/ a relationship takes more work than being single ever does and I recognize that, were I am right now, I could never handle it.



In a nutshell- No matter if you are just married and living in a honeymoon world. Or if you are married for 12 years and fight everyday to get those Lego's off the floor, that crayon off the wall, and some type of food into your moody husband before 9:30 pm. Or if you've just started dating the man of your dreams. Or if you're looking for Mr. Right around every corner of the Internet. Or if you are 23 and have never been on a date- learn to be complete in Christ, right here, right now. Stop comparing you life with those around you. Stop making life decisions based on the opinions of others who don't know you. Be who He has made you to be. Recognize the supremacy of Christ to put you exactly where you need to be and be open to whatever the next step He has for you.


Hoping this all makes sense,
Ti-Ti

Complaints Cancellation: I Never Would Have...

7 months and 10 days

That's how long I've been unemployed. Somehow, every month, God has given me just enough to make it through until the next month.
Good paying babysitting jobs with people I've never meet before, through a friend I haven't seen in a long time. A week of substitute work with my old job. Care package from mom saving me from having to buy necessary things for at least a month. A larger than expected tax return. Generous brother and sister-in-law assisting with occasional financial needs. Small photography jobs that have actually paid. House sitting/companion job. Earlier saved "house plan" money. Valentine's day money gift from mom and dad. And so it goes....

God has shown me just how much He loves me and takes care of, not just my big needs, but my every day small needs. Showing me that I don't have to plan the future to death. That He's the only one that holds my future. I'm SO grateful for where He put me during this time.

If I hadn't quit/ lost my jobs, I never would have been living with Mike and Mindy. I never would have been going to the best church ever. I never would have gotten my crazy, funny Saabreen- at least so soon. I never would have known the feeling of a warm dog head sleeping on my feet and pushing me off the bed. I never would have been a live in nanny for the awesomest kids ever. I never would have the spiritual growth that can only come from trusting God for every single thing in my life. I never would have the awesome quotes that can only come from living in this crazy house. I never would have had the relationship that I now have with my brother and sister-in-law. I never would have had the time for amazing dates with adorable, messy faced children. I never would have had the time for late night bowling or midnight movie showings. I would never had the time to direct a Christmas play. I never would have the maturity I've gained from planning my own life. I never would have the patience or energy to lose 20lbs. I never would have done a ladies bible study. I never would have the relationship that I have with my parents, the occasional visits only being sweeter now. I never would have been able to help  friends have a family vacation. I never would have gotten to be the occasional substitute first grade teacher. I never would have learned to be as frugal as I have to be now. I never would have gotten to meet 7 kids in Weld that are so full of energy and yet so much fun. I never would have had fun coming up with creative ways to make dinner out of not much. I never would have this addiction to lattes that I have now. I never would have been able to watch an adorable, mischievous boy learn to speak his mind. I never would have been able to watch a graceful, ADD girl learn ballet. I never would have been able to listen to a rambling, blue eyed squirt giggle uncontrollably. I never would have known how giving my sister-in-law is. I never would have respected and turned to my brother as much. I never would have learned the art of articulating during interviews. I never would have known what it means to give out of my heart rather than my abundance. I never would have giggled with my sister-in-law over silly things like buns. I never would have gotten to know an amazing church family. I never would have had fun during a church business meeting. I never would have gotten to dress up in crazy outfits to be the mascot for football. I never would have been able to go to an all day ladies conference with mom. I never would have been able to poor chocolate over grinning teenagers. I never would have 10-ish kids fondly call me Ti-Ti and not really know my real name. I never would have been able to go to CHESS and eat lunch with "my peeps." I never would have been able to sing the songs I get to sing in church. I never would have blared music and danced wildly with three dance partners. I never would have known how much germs don't really matter in the long run. I never would have known the freedom that comes from just being what God is making me and dropping my false "christian" self. I never would have been able to be a "kind of church secretary." I never would have known how much joy comes from growing closer to the Lord.

And so, even though I long to complain, that it's about time I could start planning my life again, if just my summer, that I certainly have to have money sometime soon, that life is so hard going from interview to interview, putting myself out there just to be turned down, yet one more time, that I can't live on the generosity of family any longer.............

How can I??? With that list of what I wouldn't have....... I can't. I just simply can't complain. There is way too many blessings in my life.


Honestly, this isn't where I thought this blog would go. I didn't much know what I was going to write but it certainly wasn't going to be thankfulness for where I am.

Sometimes, life hurts. Sometimes it's just way too much of a bother to struggle through to the next day. Sometimes it's just too stressful to get up and try again. And that's when God shows you all He has done, through and for me. And all you can do is praise Him in the storm, to dance with joy in the rain.
He has so much more in store for me.......

Trusting and leaning- leaning and trusting,
Ti-Ti

Brushed Aside

Sometimes I think that the month of November is rushed through. People start listening to Christmas music (don't even get me started on that one. I kinda, sorta have a little tiny bit of a firm rule about that. But don't worry. If I happen to get in your car while you are listening to a silly radio station that is commercializing the Christmas season and hoping to make an extra buck by playing Christmas songs an entire month early, I won't hurt you..... too bad..... if you run fast), rushing to get all their shopping in, counting the days (or sometimes even shopping days) until Christmas, planning all the parties for December, start baking or planning what they will bake, and on it goes. It seems they not only forget that there is such a thing as November but they also forget what November is all about.So there's something that I randomly did in the month of October (very randomly) and have decided to do every day in the month of November. In a happy notebook (covered with snoopy, a rainbow, and a flower with the words "dream big" on it), I've started recording what I like to call "Smiles from God."

You know, those sometimes little things in life that we often think, "Aww, that's cool. It makes me smile." Those sometimes bigger things in life that we often think, "Wow, I've never seen that happen." Or even those sometimes middle things in life we often think, "That was neat. Don't see that too much."

Did you ever think that these things are God's way of cheering you up, letting you know that He was in control, or simply telling you to stop being so stubborn and negative and start to be thankful for the little things?

And so for the month of November, I'm going to be writing something everyday that I am, or should be, thankful for.

Here's my completely random list from October to help me illustrate my point (hopefully now that I'm going at this hard core, I'll be more organized about it..... doubtful)

10-11-11~ Free coffee at 3 Coffee & Roastery. [Thanks Ben.]

10-19-11~ Lovely lady telling me I always look put together on a day that, well, let's just say I don't feel "put together." [sometimes that feels like everyday.]
10-22-11~ Dollar found next to my lost phone at the park. [no, not my dollar. That'll teach me to complain about loosing my phone again.] 10-28-11 ~ That awesome moment with a friend when you shout the same thing with the same tone and then burst out laughing and realize how neat it is that you both geek out about the same things. [like finding a store in a big city after looking for it in the wrong spot for 15 minutes and then deciding to move on to the next store only to find the one you were looking for is right next door.]

10-26-11~ A snow day with my mom, just chilling by the fire. [I love my mommy and doing nothing with her.] 10-27-11~ Finally bringing my car into the shop for an oil change -nervous about the cost- and with coupons and bringing my own oil- end up paying only $9.00. [less than half of what I thought it would cost]


Told you it was random. I'll probably post another blog about this maybe at the end of November, beginning of December. I'm sure my "smiles" will be so random as to be amusing.

And you know it's kinda funny. Mike mentioned something a few Sundays ago about how we see God's "Mercies Anew" and how that played out practically in our lives. I guess this is my answer to that question... and I even thought of it before he talked about it.

You should join me.


Thankful,


Ti-Ti

Baring My Soul

*WARNING: THIS BLOG IS VERY LONG AND MAY CAUSE YOU TO CRY. IT IS BEST READ WITH A CUP OF COFFEE IN FRONT OF A FIREPLACE WITH THUNDER, LIGHTENING, RAIN, AND A GOOD CHUNK OF TIME.* (but you can read it anytime)
So maybe this isn't the purpose of a blog. But this is what I want the purpose of my blog to be. I want to be open and hopefully encourage someone's walk with God.
I've been slowly reading through Beth Moore's book, “So Long Insecurity.” Wow- There is so much of this book that is exactly where I am right now. It sometimes feels like she's writing out of my diary. I'm planning a book review about it.....maybe.....later..... if can convince myself it's not like school and that I still know how to write one.
But for now, she has this prayer in chapter 9 that went deep for me. It took great effort for me not to cry at work while I was reading it.
And so I copied it all down by hand. Hey, listen. I had two subjects in school that were by far my worst. Spelling and Penmanship. I had to deal with incorrect formation of letters, hand cramping, and well... who seriously wants to sit there and copy someone else's letters??? Copying this down wasn't so easy. I started at 1 o'clock and ended at 5:30 (finally something profitable to do at Tynan's that's not painting my nails.) I used 24 pages- more than half of a medium note pad, ran the ink out of 2 pens, and can't fully stretch my fingers out all the way even 2 days later. And then I typed this all out. Talk about repeatedly hitting the mark.
This will no doubt be one of the longest blogs to ever show up here. And perhaps the longest blog you have ever read (just be glad you aren't reading my hand written notes- that would take you 5 days, just in deciphering my scratches)
And so to the small handful of people that read this. Please sit it out and read the whole thing. It's pretty much my journal, diary, and heart all written out (and who knows- you might be in it.)


Dear God,
I come to You this moment because I need my dignity back. [This is what Beth feels we have lost in our battle with insecurity. You might have to read the book to fully understand what she means here, but for now, just go with the flow.] You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble- even torment- it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it's made a fool of me. You know how hard I've fought to play the game, but You also know that in the aftermath I've been defeated. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of sulking. I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do through me what I cannot do for myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how we are made and who we're meant to be. I'm not asking for anything You're not willing to give me. You have not shortchanged me. I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short. You know the way I'm formed. You know what motivates me. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it, Lord. In the most hidden places, I am so afraid that I'll get stuck where I am. That I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. That there isn't a purpose for me to achieve.

Deliver me, Lord. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. That's what scripture says. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me and supply the courage I need to refuse to do their bidding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don't need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before you with complete transparency, and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You. I don't have to muster feeling I don't process or hang my head in defeat and shame. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. This is the way I would describe myself to You right now... _____ [At this point I have written another half page of description but you aren't God so I'm not going to describe myself to you right now. Lol But feel free to add your own thoughts here.] But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do and why I feel like I do. You know my every thought. My every disappointment. You know every ugly or ridiculous thing I've ever said or done out of insecurity. You see every fissure in my soul, and You look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need. As You reveal Yourself to me, I ask that You also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in the light You provide. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You're willing to heal.

God, You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can't even figure myself out. [He's probably the only one out there that can figure me out...] You know how I swing like a dizzy pendulum between self-loathing and self-exaltation. As I begin this prayer of restoration, I ask You, Lord, to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that I've created some of my own misery. I have tried to make a god of myself too many times, and it hasn't worked. It will never work. [This is common head knowledge to most of us..... but how many times do we verbally admit it? Heart knowledge.] In calling me to this time of confession, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation. So with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other. With these things in mind hear my confessions... ________ [And no, this isn't like Catholic confessions and so I won't put mine here for all to see....besides- it's gets pretty personal after this anywho.] Please forgive me for my self-worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing your job. [She has obviously stopped by my blog recently] Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feeds my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. [Umm... seriously. Does she know my family???] For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person You've made me. Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quenched. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great. Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me.

This very moment I receive Your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name, I release all the shame that has come from self-inflicted insecurity. From now on, Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my conviction until I'm instantly aware when insecurity is my own making. Help me recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately. Now, Lord, I ask You to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and usher in healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailness of man instead of the bedrock of you. You have been with me every moment, even when I felt there was no one to take care of me. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with your healing hand.

Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord, where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me.

Lord, come and treat my heart and soul where they have been shattered by loss. No one on earth can esteem the loss of something precious the way You can. You know the pain, You know the unbearable emptiness that can come with loss. [Perhaps like me you don't have a loss/death of a person that is effecting you this way. Thank God for that. But maybe, you can think as I was, of simpler things to “loose” such as comfort in the familiar, innocence, or even just the loss of a close friendship that has grown distant.] You recognize my attempt to fill the void with things that never suffice. You know how my feelings frighten me and how the enemy of my soul would have me believe that I will never be okay. Make a liar out of him, Lord, Do not let him win, do not let loss win. Be my gain, Lord. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in weakness. [You are probably feeling weak with how long this is and wondering if I'll be done before dinner.... hold on a bit longer, my friend.]

Please do not let me confuse healing with betrayal. Help me to see any place in my life where I'm hanging on to my grief or anger in an attempt to hang on to what I've lost. Grant me the gift of healthy grief that does not fight the pain or the process of healing. Lord, please help me to see where I have suffered a substantial loss that I've never regarded. Where I lost innocence, grant me integrity. Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy. Where I lost a home, grant me an internal unshakable sense of belonging. Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive. Don't stop until You've made a miracle of me.

Lord, help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. [umm...again.... this is getting kinda scary.] Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. You are my security, O God. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Nothing has the propensity to reveal false gods to me like a sudden change in my circumstances. [Never thought of it quite like that, and oh how much easier it would be if I hadn't.] Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to provoke what needs changing in me, Lord, and to increase my appreciation of the only One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Lord, I now ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-give disposition. You know what You were doing when you formed me in my mother's womb. Nothing is without purpose. Nothing has thrown off the plan. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began. Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me. You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life. You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. And Lord, where I've otherwise lapsed into self-adoration and self-centerdness instead, help me to recognize my narcissism and no longer tolerate it. Of all things, please don't let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else. Please don't let me gain the world but lose my soul.

Father, help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. I really want to change. Help me to quit saying, “This is the way I am,” and remind me that I am capable of tremendous transformation with you. Deliver me from insecurity in my relationships. Help me to cease being so easily wounded, but at the same time, keep me from growing hardened. Help me to resign my position as a game player and manipulator without resigning myself to a life of misuse. Help me to realize that it's pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. Real affection cannot be coerced. I cannot put a human in charge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me. Lord, even in the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. Yes, there have been people who have hurt me and have done a very poor job of taking Your place, but there have also been people who have shown me glimpses of You. Not perfect people, but genuine people. In particular I thank you for... [At this point I could stop and let you fill in the blanks as I have done with the others like this, but felt like it would be good to publicly thank some people in my life. Please don't take it badly if your name isn't mentioned. I tried to keep it fairly short and sweet and have so many people who have touched my life. Many of you in a small way that was big in my life. Thank you.] Dad- always being there to give hugs and surround me in his love. Mom- listening quietly when I'm blowing up and crying with me when I'm upset. Mike- giving me good advice and being willing to hear my poorly thought out arguments. Mindy- always caring about what's happening in my life and including me in hers (and for that “look” she sends my direction every once in a while- you know it ;)). Laura- hearing me complain about my life and never telling me the truth- that hers is much worse. Lol Rod- making me laugh every time he calls me Roseann and lets me call him Billy. Jenni- telling me in sisterly fashion when to “shut up” (oops mom) and then jabbering with me until 4 in the morning. Aubrey- giving me attack hugs just when I need them and following my ADD conversations. Stephanie- keeping my gaze on the Lord and turning it back there when it's strayed. AND SO MANY MORE!!! (Grandmom, Christy, Mrs. W., Kelli Colas, Danielle B., Christina, Katie, Mrs. Aardsma, Auntie Sharon, etc.).........

I thank You for all You have done to get me to this place and for the plan You have ahead for me. I come now, Lord, to the apex of my petition: please restore to my soul all that insecurity has stolen from me. Overturn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good. Perform a miracle on me, Lord. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand. Clothe me with strength and dignity. Transform what drives me. Quell what triggers me. Make me a courageous woman in this harrowing culture. One who refuses to be reduced and defined by the media. Help me to make conscious decisions about whether or not the cost of what they're selling is worth buying. Give me the discernment to call a lie a lie.

Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I actively and deliberately receive- and vow to keep receiving- everything that I have requested in Your will this day. Let this statement reverberate into every corner of my life and invade the bone morrow of my belief systems. Today I receive my dignity back. No one can take it from me because You are the One who gave it. Help me to recognize that I've lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it. Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might. Because of Your mercy, Lord, I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to You.

In Jesus' saving and delivering name, AMEN.

Whoosh- You made it. I hope this has touched you like it touched me. I don't think I'll be the same person after this book. I pray that I'm not. Please forgive my long blog and take pity on me for any misspellings, incorrect grammar, and missing or incorrect words. One can only proof read so many times.

Praying to become a courageous woman,


Ti-Ti

All credit for this prayer goes to Beth Moore (So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, pg. 165-174, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., copyright 2010). If anyone knows her, thank her for me.

Being Busy

I've been told I need to blog again. I have a blog basically done just waiting for pictures, but my life has been a bit on the crazy side of normal.


My life:
I worked 6 days last week. Four 10 hour days, one 5 hour day, and one 9 1/2 hour day.
My sister got engaged.
I was asked to be a maid of honor.
I was asked to take the engagement photos.
I bought a plane ticket right after it changed to a higher price and right before it went higher still.
I'm finally seeing work done on my baby after 4 weeks in the shop.
I cleaned my room, but you'd never know, 'cause I gotta clean it again.
My computer is on the brink of a blank screen of death. And it maybe in Do Not Resuscitate mode too.
I might have a warranty on it until July but have no idea where the warranty papers are. I went to college. And somehow, looking through all my papers wasn't that high on my list when I was packing to come home.
I still have photos from Virginia of Laura and Rod and Mike and Mindy to edit and get to them.
I don't have any disc space in which to save said photos.
I must have done something mean to my CD writer on my computer because he's not talking to me.
My sister ended up in the hospital getting a MRI to see what is causing her migraines.
I'm trying to make some big, life changing decisions.
I taught junior church and forgot until the night before that it was Mother's Day and I should probably do something with the kids to that end.
I leave in less than two weeks to see my sister, who is moving out of her house the weekend I come.
In five days I have to go to court at the ungodly hour of 8 in the morning because of "careless driving." *heart rate increases to a dangerous level*
My lamp shade broke- disintegrated more like it.
I've had a confusing schedule of training at work.
I had a bear of a time trying to find coverage at one part time job.


All this to say here are somethings that make me happy:

- I get to see my sister in less than two weeks.

- I get to be a maid of honor.

- I'm wearing pink shoes.

- My God is providing for me in unexpected ways.

- I have Dove chocolate.

- Both Aubrey and I don't work this weekend so we get to hangout the whole day.

- I live five minutes away from the coolest shop invented for Barbies.

- I got to see and love up my nieces on Sunday.

- My nieces love me. Or they love that I will be a jungle gym for them.

- "I am the thorn in Your crown, But You love me anyway. I am the sweat from Your brow, But You love me anyway." (sidewalk prophets)

- Speaking of Mother's Day, I have the best one. *Sticks out tongue*

- I get to take my first engagement photo session.

- It rained for two days straight.

- I love spinning in the dark with the rain on my face.

- The sun is back.

- When I fall- God picks me back up.

- I have a huge stack of library books to read.

- My baby might be fixed before I leave to see my sister.

- I'm wearing jeans to work.

- "For no word from God shall be void of power." (Luke 1:37- ASV)

- It's Friday.

- Everything is green now.

- Grace.



Looking on the bright side,


Ti-Ti

Bummer

So..... ummm...... Vallin...... is...... ummm..... looking..... different these days.


I would officially like to recall the last blog post. Don't read it. I was kidding. Rambling really. Just entertaining myself.

I'm sending Jenni the check for getting my car fixed.

But my God is SOOO good.

Let me tell you how good.

I was driving down the road to help paint the nursery with Mom, watch the kids for Mike and Mindy, and get Dad's birthday present that I, like a good and loving daughter, waited to get until the day before his birthday to get.


Mom had left 15 to 20 minutes before me. We decided not to ride together so that we could have more freedom to carry kids around, go shopping, etc. And because I love to drive my beautiful car. Everywhere. Even if gas prices make me wish we still did the whole horse and buggy thing.


I stopped at McDonald's to get my current addiction, a large carmel frappe. With whipped cream and carmel syrup squishing out the top. And started down the road.

It's amazing what you think about just before an accident..... and what you block afterwards.

I remember looking down to grab my frappe.



I don't look down to grab drinks normally. I do it by feel. Maybe I didn't want sticky fingers from the whipped cream. Maybe I missed the cup and had to look were it was. Maybe I just looked.


All I know is when I looked up, I wasn't on the road anymore. I was in gravel and slightly sliding down a muddy ditch.


I freaked out and over corrected, swerved over, almost into the other lane, and sharply turned again.


The next thing I knew I was heading back into the ditch and looking straight at a telephone pole. Staring it down, eye to eye. Strong will to strong will. Like a bullfighter and a bull. But I forgot my red muleta (the cape thing). The pole won. Kinda. Okay so maybe we came out even.

You know how in the old computer racing games where the graphics aren't that good and you run into something and it gets kinda pixelated, then suddenly just disappears. That's what it felt like. There one minute, gone the next.

The next thing I was staring down was a wire fence. I remember thinking, "Don't hit the fence" and turning the wheel to not run into it. Why hitting the fence would make any difference now.... well, I guess I just didn't want to get scratches on my car.

About this time, my mind decided that screaming would greatly improve my reaction skills. I might be able to make good money in Hollywood with that scream. It's pretty good, if I do say so myself. Someone from a house across the road came over because he "heard" the accident. I think he heard me screaming. I was horse for 3 hours and am still recovering from a sore throat.

The first person I called, while I was still screaming, was mom. She didn't answer. Here's were God was working overtime. Mom was away from her phone setting up to paint. If she would have answered she might have been in an accident herself. I wasn't necessarily calm enough that I could tell her I wasn't hurt at that point. By the time I got a hold dad, I had become a bit more calm or at least I had stopped screaming.


The funny thing, I was about half way between Dad in Fort Collins and Mom in Loveland.

So with both parents on the way, I rolled down the window to tell the 10 people that stopped that I was okay. Yes, my windows and radio were still working.


As far as I know there were no direct eye witnesses. Maybe one person was a bit off and saw it from afar. Which is a good thing. If there were people close to me, I might not have been the only one involved. People reacting to my reactions wouldn't have lead down a good path.


One of the people who stopped was an off duty firefighter. He told me to get out of the car in case my air bags had a delayed reaction. I didn't feel any pain, anywhere. I was just super shaky.

I stepped out of the car and looked and the "dent" in the front of Vallin. One of the ladies who stopped said that I was "one fortunate girl." I said "No, I just had Someone looking over me. Thank you, God."


Soon the police man was there and told us that we needed to move away from the car because of the power line. It's the first time I actually looked what I hit.

This wasn't just a cracked and leaning pole. I went all the way through it, it went over my car and landed about 20 feet from it's base. I don't mess around. If you're gonna crash, then crash good.



When I got the police cruiser, I was told to sit in the back while we waited for the power crew to get there.

Dad could never get arrested. He'd never fit. If you are claustrophobic, don't do anything against the law.

The police man gave me something to fill out, basically asking things like my date of birth, name, age, address. Surprisingly I actually remembered my name. Not only that but my handwriting actually was legible.


Before that was finished, Dad showed up. But..... I had closed my door and was, um, in a police car.... think about it a minute. A police car....... in the back.

I was stuck. Do you know what it's like to see your daddy and not be able to get him? There might be some small claw marks in the back of the vehicle now.


As soon as the door was open, I lost all control over my emotions. I cracked as easily as the telephone pole. I'm not a crier. I hold it all in most of the time.

But you better believe I was crying then.

The next part is kind of a blur, because I just put it all in my daddy's hands. I love my daddy. He took over for me. He's so good to have in that type of situation. He's amazing.


Pretty soon, my mommy showed up.......And then parked across the road.

Man, two withholdings of parents???? It was too much for my little brain. I think I lost it more when my mommy hugged me and was crying too.


We weren't allowed down by my car because of the danger of the high voltage. Soon the tow company was there and I pretty much done there.


I didn't drive all day. And I still haven't driven down that road by myself.


By the marks on the road, you would have thought I was choosing which pole to hit.




When we visited my baby on Sunday, we found more of God's amazing protection.


Apparently the pole bounced of the side of my windshield. A couple of inches different and it could have come through the window or crushed the top of my car. There was wood embedded in the seal around the windshield.

I just had this exact side fixed from keying.....

Interesting facts:

* I hit the pole with the speed limit sign on it.

* If I would have hit one pole before or one pole after the one I hit, I probably wouldn't be walking away with just a sore throat and a sore shoulder and neck.

* There is mud in almost every crevice of Vallin.

* Vallin's hood still opens.

* He still beeps when you lock him.

* I could have easily rolled my car.

* My airbags didn't deploy.

* I already had a rule against talking on the phone in the car.

* I was wearing sunglasses that no one- firefighters or policeman -asked me to take off to look at my eyes.

* I was never examined- just asked if I was okay.

* I was so discombobulated that I didn't even get a chance to let it sink in that there were firefighters there. In a fire truck. I can't even recall if they had sirens on.

After giving God all the glory for saving me- I would like to nominate Vallin for Hero of the Year Award. He's a superhero in disguise. Thank you, Honda peoples, for making him safe.

We still don't know if the car is totalled or not. But whatever happens, I know that God's has something special for me to learn in all of this. His will might not be what I would have chosen, but I wouldn't trade this experience. I've already learned things and know that I will continue learning.

To every driver out there- I don't care how old or experienced you are, don't take chances. Watch the road. Please.

Still in one piece,

Ti-Ti