Troubling Transitions and Trails

I feel it in the wind.... just around the bend. And no- I'm not talking about Pocahontas.

Change

At the end of last year, I did a post about feeling ready for change- like I was on the edge of the cliff waiting for the jump. But now I think I've got locked knees and a fear of ricocheting off the sharp rocks on the way down.

I don't think I knew exactly what I was asking for when I said I wanted change. I think I had a prefect plan for "change" in my head and when it's not going where I though it would.... well, let's just pretend that my plan was to always stay at the top of the cliff and enjoy the view rather than bungee off.

So often I get this picture perfect image in my head of where I am going. I pat myself on the back for how open I am to change and growth. I imagine how "my picture" will be the most amazing thing that God has done in my life. And somehow, I'll easy into this change with the grace only displayed by the characters of a BBC movie. But God never does things quite my way. Because, most of the time, my way isn't right or where He wants me.

I still feel a bit stagnant- but you know- maybe that stagnant feeling is just me digging in my heels.

 

You see, I really feel that God has given me a dream for my future house. I desperately want at least a 2 bedroom house so that I can use that second room as a ministry. I want to open it up to mainly single girls. Single mothers who need a jumping point. Single missionary ladies visiting. Girls that are needed a place between housing for a bit. But mostly, for those single girls that just need to be independent and move out of their parent's house. I'm not encouraging separation of the unhealthy kind at all. And I won't advise them on whether it is healthy or not- that's between them and God. But honestly, it was sooo good for me to get out of my parents house. I love both of my parents to death. I wouldn't trade them ever, even for a really, really, really nice camera. (ha) And I would surely go back to living with them in a moments notice, if that was were God had me. But sometimes, we just need a jumping off point to get on our own. Sometimes, we're just floating in that environment and we have to learn to get out on our own. A halfway house if you will. My jumping point was- and is- Mike and Mindy's basement. It has opened my eyes to what I want my future house to be like.

I don't think that I've put this dream in my head. I really do think that God has given it to me. But perhaps I'm pushing it to happen sooner than it needs too. I'm so impatient to start my dream that I think it is highly unlikely that God will move me to a place that will not meet this dream. And because this is such a "God-given" dream, surely He can't wait for me to be able to do it and will make it happen sooner rather than later, right? (ha)


But what if he doesn't put me there? What if He keeps me here for a very long time? What if he moves me to a place where the "dream" can't/won't/shouldn't start for many, many years? What if He takes away that dream? Will I complain about it? Will I claim money restraints are holding me back? Will I create my own little drama were I am now? Will I become so sensitive to not going where I want that I create rifts and roadblocks of my own? Will I seclude myself in my room eating handfuls of Lucky Charms and an entire box of fruit snacks?

I think that's where I'm in of danger of going now. Becoming so impatient to get where I think I should be at this time in my life that I become discontent. Looking at all my friends and comparing where they are and looking dismally at where I am. Imaging people thinking all kinds of disparaging thoughts about where I am and what I'm doing in and with my life. And it doesn't even have to be with my living situation. I've done this with so many areas of my life where I feel like I haven't got a purpose.

But the thing is- the thing I'm trying to remember when I get so discouraged and down about my life as it is now- is that it doesn't matter. None of these temporary things- that seem like such a big deal to me - really matter. (And to be truthful, sometimes these things are really small. Like really small.)

What really matters is where I am in Christ- my relationship with God. If this "bump" in my plans brings me closer to him and brings Him glory, then I hope I can be like Paul as he followed Christ in saying "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope"  (Yes, Mother. Character is an elephant still. ha) or "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.." Or like Peter " In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." This is the best option for me. (And even though some of the stuff that I may call "trails" wouldn't normally be classified as that, they sure seem like "hardships" to me.)

That doesn't mean I'm surrendered to this. That I will freely go about my life with a charming smile, accepting everything in my life even if it's not what I planned, never worrying about what others think about where I am. Oh no, I'm far too stubborn for that. There will be multitudes of nights with me crying that nothing is the way it should be. There will be gobs of days with me hanging my head in despair. There will be a ton of moments when I'm complaining to God that He's not going the right way. But you see, if I were to just easily accept this, where would the growth be? Where would my relationship with God be if I never needed Him? If I took everything that came easily, I would never need to look up. And, honestly, there have been a lot of dark times for me lately. Times when I seemed to like looking at the mud at the bottom of my pit rather than the sunlight and the hand reaching for me at the top of the pit. But that also means that I've been needing to do a lot of looking up. And sometimes, I've felt a bit blinded by the sunlight because I've been groping around in the dark for so long.

But here's the thing:

No matter where I'm "going" with my life, it doesn't change who I am in Him.

No matter if I feel like I don't matter, it doesn't change how He loves me.

No matter if I'm forever living in basement until I'm 78, it doesn't change how He can use me.

No matter if I never get "my dream", it doesn't change that He died for me.

 

"When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You."- Jason Gray

Looking up,
Ti-Ti