Concerning Couples

There seems to be a trend going around lately. It's about, as I like to call it, "marriage talk." It has been anything from a sermon or a blog post, to a facebook status update or a book advertisement on a side bar. I'm not saying I've read all of them, but it kinda seems like the ones I did read left me feeling left out in the cold. It's not because they weren't well written with important information in them. It wasn't even that they were just geared toward married people- some spoke directly to singles. But here's the thing- I'm a bit on the weird side (Ha!) and they just weren't were I was.

You all probably know that I am a people pleaser. And there are just times when I act like I think I'm supposed to act in certain groups. For example, I grew up pretty conservative and was homeschooled my whole life. In this circle, it was kinda expected that you avoided long conversations with guys, never wanting to appear to be *gasp* flirting with them. You didn't really talk about crushes- only when you had way too much chocolate fondue at a sleep over. If you did talk about boys all the time, you were "one of those girls." And, in my case with being shy and not showing my emotions, sometimes my sister didn't even know of guys that I liked. And I find, in this circle, I can kinda come off as a "feminists marriage hater" of sorts, closed off at even the thought of a guy coming into my perfectly ordered life.
And then there are people that I went to Bible College with. There's a reason they call it "bridal college". Honestly, if you sit next to a guy in chapel (whether you know him of not), at lunch you will get asked at least 10 times if he's popped the question yet. Now with these people I end up giggling and sneaking obvious glances out of the corner of our eyes at cowboys in restaurants. Often, I got teased for not ever going on a date or seeking out the attention of a guy. It was expected in this environment.

The thing is, I feel like I'm in the middle of the two extremes, even if I don't come off like that. I'm not one of those girls who was constantly preparing for a man to come into my life and now is struggling with were to find that "Jesus-like" guy. I'm not one of those girls who has a spreadsheet of qualities- good and bad- that I review every time I see a guy. I'm not one of those girls that carries around a soap box to speak often of my "disdain for the idiocrasy of men these days." Neither do I feel am I one who needs to be in a relationship with a guy to be validated. And so I wanted to share my thoughts in the matter, because sometimes I have a hard time talking about or acting how I really feel. And so I write.

So often there seems to be women (and sometimes men) who want to push marriage on me. Yes, I agree that God has created the institution of marriage. He has created us for companionship and there is so much to commend a godly marriage. It's a picture of Christ and the church. There have been whole books written based on scriptures about the benefits of marriage so I'll save you the pain of reading them all. And there's even a pretty good sermon on my church website if you really feel the need to delve deeper. But- now, I say this carefully and please take it with a grain of salt- these people are almost forcing expectation on singles. We hear it, we read it, we are bombarded with it. It can easily make us desperate, unfulfilled and even turn to other things to compensate for our "apparent failure to catch a man and get married to fulfill God's purpose in our life."
I met this super sweet, godly lady in Virginia when I went out for Rod's graduation. Within 7 seconds of talking, I knew her passion and ministry was for the role of women firstly to their husband and then their family. In her eyes, everything that I was going through at the time was God preparing me to meet the perfect man eventually (and who knows, maybe it still is). I'm so glad that God has given her a passion for where He has put her. But I don't think she knew how every single sentence she said pricked a little hole in my heart. All I could think about was, "What if that someone doesn't ever come? What if I've missed him? What have I done wrong not to find that guy yet? Have I lost my effectiveness to serve God because I don't have a man by my side?"

But the thing is, I am free to live COMPLETE and fully fulfilled in Christ alone!

I'm not going to go the opposite direction and quote all of the scriptures on being content or the blessings of being single. We know them. We, as singles, have heard them as platitudes over and over again.

But here's what I'm getting at: Married women, stop spiritually intimidating single girls to find a guy, get married and have 4 kids. You should be spending more time exhorting and encouraging them to know God, rather than know what qualities you can or can't settle for in a guy. And perhaps, stop pushing the line that "God will bring that perfect man into your life." (It really does kinda drive me crazy.) Instead, encourage single girls to be open to be used of God. Be open to where He takes you. Be open to the next step. Stop encouraging singles to keep waiting to get married to live their lives. And get single people involved in your personal family. I've heard it said often that singles are uncomfortable with church because "it's all family oriented." This just helps in the case of them falling away from God and the Church family. So reach out to those singles. Make them like one of your family, because honestly, everything in church is supposed to be "family orientated." We all are in the family of God, after all.

Singles, don't just sit back and feel left out in church. Become the coolest aunt to all of the kids in your church. Become the closest sister to the women and the men. Become the best listener for the seniors in your church. And stop waiting for a man to come into your life to serve God with. Don't put your life on hold for a man! Stop waiting and start following God now. Stop writing your columns of qualities that you need and things you can "compromise" on and start learning about your God. Stopping looking at Jesus for examples of the perfect man to look for and start looking at how you should be living like Jesus. But don't be so adamantly against marriage that you resist God's leading when/if He does bring a man into your life. Make sure you are open for the next step and have a direction.

Now, I'm a photographer, and I absolutely love love. It's amazing to photograph and amazing to witness. I'm not trying to come across as a marriage hater. I'm not trying to bash those women who are so happily married they can't help talking about. Nor am I trying to be mean to those woman that are truly just trying to be encouraging when they say that a man will come into my life when I least expect it. Sometimes they are just asking honest questions to get to know you better. And neither am I trying to say that I'm always 100% content where I am as a single. I'm not saying it's easy to be single. Trust me, there have been times when I've seriously considered hiring a boyfriend for a night to come to work events or to give me an excuse not to go to something that I might think is awkward. I'm so much braver when I'm doing something silly with someone else. But I'm also not saying it's easy to be married. There have been times when I see that marriage/ a relationship takes more work than being single ever does and I recognize that, were I am right now, I could never handle it.



In a nutshell- No matter if you are just married and living in a honeymoon world. Or if you are married for 12 years and fight everyday to get those Lego's off the floor, that crayon off the wall, and some type of food into your moody husband before 9:30 pm. Or if you've just started dating the man of your dreams. Or if you're looking for Mr. Right around every corner of the Internet. Or if you are 23 and have never been on a date- learn to be complete in Christ, right here, right now. Stop comparing you life with those around you. Stop making life decisions based on the opinions of others who don't know you. Be who He has made you to be. Recognize the supremacy of Christ to put you exactly where you need to be and be open to whatever the next step He has for you.


Hoping this all makes sense,
Ti-Ti