Closing Contemplations

Have you ever gotten the feeling like nothing has changed in the past year? That you seem to be in the exact same place as you were last year? That life is so dull? Sometimes I feel that's where I am.

Naturally my mind goes to think about all that has changed. I have not only a job, but a full time job with super nice bosses. I have short hair. I have a few more purses, shoes, and scarfs..... and that's seriously where my mind goes blank.

Perhaps it's because I had so much going on in my life last year at this time. I had just gotten a handful of a dog, albeit an adorable one. It hit me last Christmas that I was permanently planning on living with Mike and Mindy. Sounds weird but it wasn't ever really officially in my plans to move in with them long term and last Christmas when I was opening presents with them on Christmas I realized that I was here to stay a long while. (As I told Nikki the other day, she will most likely be married and have 4 children of her own before I move out. Ha!) I was unemployed for 3 months, unaware that I was going to be that way for another 6 months. I was just settling into my new church family, directing Christmas plays and semi stepping in as a church secretary of sorts. Everything seemed so unsettled during that time and it felt like everything was changing. I could never plan a week in advance, sometimes not even a day in advance.

I've never been a really good handler of change. I've always been more the homebody that likes to stay at home and watch the world change in the comfort of my jammers knowing that mine will never be like that. I mean, just read earlier posts about how frightened I was of change. Even if it was in a joking way it was totally scary to me. It's kinda humorous to me now.

Maybe it's been the excitement of my world constantly changing last year that has gotten me hungry for change. It seems like I'm constantly looking around the corner for something to change. Like I'm standing on the edge of cliff waiting to jump. After writing my last post about all the single girls and marriage talk that I'm so much more open for change there too, whatever "there" means.  I wonder if I haven't always had this thirst for change in me a bit. Considering my past job history, I've never been at a job for more than a year. Now some of that wasn't my fault, what with college, businesses selling, or downsizing. But there is part of me that doesn't always do well with the whole "do the same thing day after day."  And maybe that's just human nature. But I feel like it's really come to the surface in the past 2 months in me. I don't feel like this was my nature before or maybe I just was super good at ignoring it.


I feel so ready for something to change, it terrifies me.

Maybe this is Gods way of telling me that I've got another huge lesson coming. (Not that I'm not always learning huge lessons from Him, but last year was some pretty big ones that I don't think I'll ever get a complete hold on.) Or maybe it's just me finally getting a small grasp on His last big lesson to me.

I've always loved that verse in Ephesians where Paul is talking about being content, no matter where you were. But, I think I've taken that to mean something other than what it should- applied in my life in a way that wasn't meant to be. I think I've been content in my life so long as it stayed the same as it always has. Never changing. Never growing. Never learning. Never getting out there. And here's where I get terrified. Changing, growing, learning....well it hurts. And it's never quick. And it's never done.

So maybe after all, things *have* changed in the past year. Maybe I've changed, or rather God has changed me. And no matter how terrified I am of this openness I feel toward changing and growing, I know that I won't have to do any of it on my own. That I have the perfect Person that will give me exactly the change I need. And that makes everything so much more bearable and...well....exciting.


Leaning on Him,
Ti-Ti