Brainstorming: Change

Why is it I keep coming across things that are telling me to change? To get out of my comfort zone?
I can't even read a christian novel without coming across “Sometimes, to get God's very best, we have to let go of the mediocre we hold to so tightly.” And then I think of the song by Brandon Heath about trust. There's a line that says “It’s never easy changing my direction, It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip."

I'm not a person that likes change. Who does, right? For those of you that know me you would never think that I'm quiet. That's because you know me. (That sounded redundant) I take about a month or more to get comfortable with people. Of course, there are exceptions to that rule. At Tynan's, I'm known as the “quiet girl.” They are constantly walking by my desk and telling me to “keep it down over here” or “I don't even want to hear it. Keep it quiet.” It's because everything and everyone is constantly changing there. I feel as though I'm getting close to being comfortable enough to poke my head out of my waxed-shinny-hard-as-a-rock turtle shell (I wax my shell with turtle wax- “made FOR turtles, not FROM turtles.” Direct quote from Crush. Of course, most of you didn't know Crush ever said that because I talked to Crush personally. Ha, so there. Be jealous......Sorry, I digress). As soon as my head comes out, the people inevitably change and back I go. I hate change.

And yet- in Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurities, it feels like she's writing down exactly how I feel. “Maybe I just get bored easily. I'm forever wanting to go someplace with God. I forget that in order to really want to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.” (I like this book- I'm only on page 12 and already I've found a few epic quotes.) Again, if you know me you know that I'm ADD and like my brother, I can't sit still. I'm like that with God. I want to keep moving and growing. I hate it when I feel like I'm still in the same place I was a month ago or even a week ago. I feel like I'm such a contradiction. I can't stand change and yet I can't stand still. (I'm a mess people. I don't even know if I'm coming or going. :))

Maybe God created me to have a feeling of discontent to keep me moving, but a fear of change to keep me leaning.

Remember that post a while ago about my sister praying for change in my life? Ever since then it feels like my life has become like a messy peach upside down cake- but not half as sweet. Don't tell her this, but I'm actually kinda glad she's been praying that. (No, seriously, don't tell her, because I'm still sending her a bill for all these so called “changes.” If she's gonna pray like that she has to except the consequences.) I can already tell that God is using these changes in my life for good.

But I'm still holding on tight like a kid- kicking and screaming as his mother pulls him off the merry-go-round. Like the previously mentioned song said- It's hard to me to open up my hands and let things go. It makes me feel venerable and bereft. But, with the risk of making this whole blog simply quotes (sounds like what I did in school to fill up my papers with fluff), in Matthew West's song Strong Enough, he says “Maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up. Cause when I'm at rock bottom, well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out.” And the one thing that I can keep my hands gripped firmly around, is the thought that “You are God and you are strong, and I don't have to be, strong enough.”


Living life with open hands,

Ti-Ti